Funny Jokes

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles aroundyour penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes hisgirlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. Whilesitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down andunzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend,"That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if Ican fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

Sex Peroid Mein Teacher Ne Bacho Se Pucha
“Tum Us Aadmi Ko Kya Kahoge Jo Condom Use Nahi Karta”
Classroom Ke Sare Students Zor Se Bole: “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy“

Pati Office Jate Hue Patni Se Bola

“Aaj Pappu Ko Jaldi Sula Dena, Raat Ko Khoob Daba Ke Sex Karenge”
Office Se Aane Ke Baad Baap Pappu Ke Kamre Mein Gaya Aur Pucha

“Pappu So Gaye Kya”

Pappu: “Daddy Kesi Baat Karte Ho, Mujhe Kaisi Neend Aayegi”

Daddy Hairani Se: “Kyun? Kya Hua”
Pappu: “Jise Pata Ho Uski Maa Chudne Wali Hai, Vo Kese So Sakta Hai“

Marte Hue Ek Budhe Ne Apne Sare Ghar Walo Ko Ikatha Kiya Aur Salah Dene Laga
Ladke Se: “Apni Umar Ki Ladki Se Jhuk Kar Mila Karo Jis Se Usko Lund Touch Na Ho”
Ladki Se: “Apni Bra Mein Hamesha Rui (Cotton) Jarur Rakha Kar Taki Nipples Na Dikh Sake”
Damad Se: “Chodne Or Khodne Mein Farak Samjho, Chodne Mein Jor Aur Khodne Mein Shor Karna Chahiye”
Bahu Se: “Gaand Marwane Se Bacche Paida Nahi Hote”
Agar Esa Hota To
“Uske Sabse Jyada Bache Hote Jo Abhi Is Joke Ko Padh Kar Hans Raha Hai“

लड़की :- मुझे बड़ी ठंड लग रही है, मेरे दोनो हीटर को छु लो!

लड़का:- अभी भी ठंड लग रही है क्या?

लड़की:- अबे घोन्चु, नीचे प्लग तो लगा.!

एक बार एक लड़के ने गर्ल्स हॉस्टल मे फोन किया और पूछा की नेहा है क्या?

वॉर्डन कहा :- यहाँ तीन नेहा हैं, तुम्हारी नेहा आगे क्या लगती है!


लड़के ने कहा:-  पहले तो WHISPER लगती थी, अब का पता नही!

Scene: Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce.
The problem: who should get custody of the child????
Wife jumped up and said: “Your Honour! I brought the child into this world with pain and labour so it should be in my
custody.”
The judge turns to Husband and says “What do you have to say in your defence?”
The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.
“Your Honour. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it? the machine’s or mine?”
Yeh sunke…Wife replied : “Judge sahab…bartan mera…doodh bhi mera…aur usme dahi jamane ke liye 2 boond daalne se dahi bana
to fir wo dahi kiska..? mera ya do boond daalne wale ka”
Husband replied : “Typewriter mein kagaz Maine dala, keys daba-daba kar mehnat Maine ki, fir chithi kiski? typewriter ki
ya meri?”
Frustrated Judge (getting mad): “Abay saale agar Tu chithi haath se hi likh leta to yahan par custody ki
naubat hi na aati.”

लड़का:- कल मैने तुम्हारे घर गया था. लगता है हमारी शादी नही होगी!

लड़की:- क्यूँ? पापा से मिले थे क्या?

लड़का:- नही, तुम्हारी बहन से मिला था!!

प्रेमिका:- मुझसे वादा करो कि मुझे कभी छूने के लिये और किस करने के लिये मुझपे दबाव नहीं डालोगे!

प्रेमी:- बहन तू घर जा तेरे मम्मी पापा चिंता कर रहे होंगे!

सरदार  रोज़ाना सेक्स टेबलेट ख़ाता था
दोस्त :- यार ना तेरी वाइफ हे ना गर्ल फ्रेंड फिर क्यू ख़ाता है?
सरदार :- बस ऐसे ही, अंडर वियर में रौनक लगी रहती है

एक लड़की अपने पति से !
आज जब मैं अपना ब्रा पहन  रही थी
तो एक लड़का मुझ को देख रहा था,
पति:- फिर तुम ने किया क्या ?
लड़की:- मुझ को बहुत शरम महसूस हुई और मैं ने अपना मुहँ ब्रा से छुपा लिया

एक फ़ौजी के हाथ लड़की लग गई फ़ौजी सेक्स करते करते उधर ही मर गया.
कर्नल ने आकर सेल्युट किया...
लोगों ने कहा.:- कर्नल साहब, इस ने तो गलत काम किया, फिर भी आप इस को दाद दे रहे हो?
कर्नल ने जवाब दिया:- ये वो जवान है जिस ने जान तो दे दी मगर मोर्चा नही छोड़ा.

मालिक:- तुम बाथरूम में क्यू घुस आए, क्या तुम्हे पता नही था की मैं नहा रहा हूँ?

नौकर:- हज़ूर ग़लती हो गयी, में समझा था बेगम साहिबा है.

एक ग़रीब आदमी बोला: – ऐसी जिंदगी से तो मौत अच्छी!

अचानक यमदूत आया और बोला: – तुम्हारी जान लेने आया हूँ.

आदमी बोला: – लो अब ग़रीब आदमी मज़ाक भी नही कर सकता?

Tension :  - जब बीबी  प्रेग्नेंट हों!
Terror:-  जब गर्लफ्रेंड प्रेग्नेंट हों!
Horror:-  जब दोनो प्रेग्नेंट हों!
Tragedy:-  जब आप इन दोनो के लिए ज़िम्मेदार ना हों !

एक सर्वे में 100 लोगो से पूछा गया की उनको लड़कियों का “ब्रा” किस तरह का पसंद है?

2% ने कहा “सफेद”

1% ने कहा “लाल”

97% ने कहा........................उतरा हुआ

लड़का और लड़की एक ही बाथ टब में नहा रहे थे!

लड़की ने नीचे देखा और बोली:- क्या में तुम्हारा ये छू सकती हूँ?
लड़का:- नही, तुमने तो अपना तोड़ दिया है, मेरा भी तोड़ दोगी!!!

कंडक्टर:- "बच्चे का फुल टिकेट लगेगा.
औरत:- यह तो अभी निपल्स चूसता है.
कंडक्टर:- "वो तो इसका बाप भी चूसता है, तो क्या उसका भी आधा लेगी?

एक औरत छाता बनवाने गई.

आदमी- उपर का कपड़ा उतरना पड़ेगा, नीचे रॉड डालनी पड़ेगी.

औरत- जो मर्ज़ी करो पर पानी अंदर नही जाना चाहिए.!

Dada kondke made a movie “Roz Meri Marlo”.

The sensor board objected to the name. Dada said. ‘Iss mein 3 heroine hain. Roz, Meri and Marloe. You can put their name in any sequence.

The censor board actually tried all combos.

Just like you just did.

What Is The Difference Between Sky And
Skirt.?
#
#
Sky Covers The Whole Universe..
#
#
Skirt Covers The Universal "HOLE"..!

टीचर: " क्या चीज़ मूह मैं नहीं लेनी चाहिए ?"
स्टूडेंट: "जलता हुआ बल्ब.

टीचर: "क्यों?"

स्टूडेंट: "कल रात मम्मी पापा से बोल रही थी की बल्ब बुझा दो तो मूह मैं लूँगी."

पत्नी:"डाक्टर. मेरे पति के लूँ पे मधुमुखी ने कटा है"

डाक्टर.:"ओह!, सूझ गया . दर्द भी है क्या?"

पत्नी:" जी हाँ, लेकिन सिर्फ़ दर्द की दावा दो, सूजन रहने दो. !

1 ladki raste se jaa rahi thi, side se achanak bike nikli..!

Ladki: Abey! Oye maarega kya ?
..
.
.
.
.
.
Ladka: mood to nahi hai, par degi to maar loonga....

Girl : Is it true that Semen contains Glucose and Lactose?

Boy : Haan

Girl : Mujhe aaj tak nahi pata tha...

Boy : Chalo isi baat par muh to meetha karti jao...

Ek Pathan Road Pe Susu Kar Raha Tha, Police Ne Use Pakda Or Bola

Policewala: “Ye Gair Kanuni Hai.”

Pathan Hairani Se: “Ye Kya Bolti Tum? Gair Ka Nuni? Ye Bachpan Se Humara Apna Nuni Hai“

Ek Admi Muthiya Mar RahaTha
Achank Biwi Aa Gayi

Biwi:kya ho raha H?
Aadmi:BANSURI Baja Raha Tha
Biwi: Mera SHANKH Padosi bajayega kya?

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

Doctar Pagal Se
Tum Pagal Kaisy Huway
Pagal:Main Ne 1 Bewa Se Shaadi Ki
Uski Jawan Beti Se Mere Baap Ne Shaadi Kar Li
Youn Meri Wo Beti Meri Maa Ban Gae
Un K Ghar Beti Hui To Wo Meri Behn Hoi
Magr Main Uski Naani Ka Shohar Tha Is Liye Wo Meri Nawasi B Hui
Isi Tarha Mera Beta Apni Daadi Ka Bhai Ban Gaya

2 Behne Thi
Badi Behan K Pati Ka Chota Tha & Choti Behan k Pati Ka Bada Tha
Choti Tadap-2 K Mar Gyi & Badi Taras-2 K Mar Gayi

Pregnt Lady chhat pe Tange khol k leti hui thi Santa: ye kya ho rha hy? lady: Dr ne kaha hy k Tazi hawa bache ke sehat k lye achi he

Sexy police wali ne suhagrat k dusre din pati se 800 Rs jurmana manga, Pati- kis chij ke, patni – 100 Rs over speed 300 Rs wrong side or 400 Rs bina helmet ke

Ek balatkari narak jata hai.
Yamraj-Fry him in oil.
Aftr 4hrs
Yam-Ab tk fry nhi kiya?
Dasi- chulha jalane k liye bhi jhuko to ye Gand marna shuru kar diya.

Husbnd in susral
teling 2 wife:
ao sex karen
wife: Nahi ye mery
baap ka ghar hy
sharm ati hy mujy,
Husbnd:mery baap
ka ghar koi chakla hai
jo roz tyar hoti
ho.

On Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax..
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't and, he gets a big check from the government every month.

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.

After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has sex.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

Main ghar late aaya to Dad ne poochha: "Where were you?"
.
Maine kaha: "Friend ke ghar tha..."
.
Dad ne mere hi saamne mere 10 friends ko call kiya.
.
4 ne kaha: "Haan Uncle, yahin par tha..."
.
2 ne kaha: "Abhi just nikla hai..."
.
3 ne kaha: "Yahin hai Uncle, padh raha hai, phone dun kya?"
.
1 ne toh hadd hi kar di, kaha: "Haan Papa bolo kya hua...!!!" :-D
.
Ab bolo "Har ek friend zaroori hota hai!"

In life we have many relations
but the best one is friendship...

Mom says: tell me beta what's your problem,
I am like your friend na!

Dad says: don't feel scared,
take me as your friend beta!

Bro/Sis says: come on buddy don't hide anything
from me, I am like your friend yaar!

Lover says: come on sweetheart,
treat me as your friend

Only Friend says: chal ja na... dimag kharab mat kar....

Ek Madrassi Ki Nayi Nayi Shadi Hui, Aur Vo Biwi Ko Leke Honeymoon Manane Train Mein Ja Raha Thha.

Train Mein Sath Wali Seat Par Ek Angrej Bhi Betha Thha.

Madrasi Ke Dimag Mein Aya Ki Agar Main Apni Biwi Ka Sex Is Se Karwa Lu To Bachha Gora Paida Hoga

Madrassi Ne Angrej Se Puchha: “Kya Tum Meri Biwi Ke Sath Sex Karoge?”


Angrej Ne Khush Ho Ke Kaha: “Jarur, Kyu Nahi”

Angrej Ne Ek Baar Sex Kar Liya

Par Madrassi Ne Sochha Ek Baar Aur Karva Leta Hu,

Angrej Ne Phir Se Uski Biwi Ke Sath Sex Kia,

Madrassi Ne Sochha Ek Baar Aur Ho Jaye Toh Pakka Ho Jayga,

Madraasii Ne Angrej Se Kaha: “Ek Baar Aur Kar Lo”

Angrej: “Nahhi, Ab Nai Kar Sakta”

Madrassi: “Kyuu?”

Angrej Muskurate Hue: “Kyunki Mere Pass Sirf 2 Hi Condoms Thhe."

If "CHEMISTRY" students start making films,
the names would like:

* Tera acid mera base.,
* Rang de Benzene
* Hamara beaker apke pas hai
* Life in a Hetero
* Laga apron me daag
* 3 test tubes
* Ajab Estimation ka gajab result
* Munna bhai HCL
* My name is ester
* Mr. Ketone
* Jab we experiment . . . !

Mordern Definations
Dimag: Vicharo ki factory.

School: 5 hrs ki jail

College: Yuvao ka bagicha

Professor: 1 hour ka radio

Lawyer: Paaglo ka anubhavi

A Gujju couple were going by in their car, on the slope of a flyover, when the car behind them started 'honking" non stop...

The wife told her husband...

"Listen Hunney, let him climb first.... HE IS SO HORNY!"

Woh Apne Status Ko Khud Hi LIKE Krna,

Woh Apni commets Ko Khud Hi NICE Kehna,

Woh Apne LINK KO Khud Hi AWESOME Kehna,

Woh Raat Bhar CHAT Pe Baatain,

Woh Lover Of The Day Mai Jan Booj K Selection Karna…

Ab Na Wo Din Rahay Na Raatain,

Kuch Raha To Bas Aankhon Mai Apni PROFILE Or Chat Ki Yadain

Ek aadmi roz subah ped ki dal pe chadh ke baith jata tha.
pucho kyun ??
?
?
MBA karke pagla gaya tha.

Apne aap ko Branch Manager samjhta tha.

Teacher: Homework Kyun Nhi Kiya?

Student: Sir, Light Nhi Thi
Teacher: To Mom Batti Jala Lete

Student: Sir, Maachis Nhi Thi
Teacher: Machis Kiun Nai Thi

Student: Pooja Ghar Me Rkhi Thi.
Teacher: To Wahan Se Le Aate

Student: Nahaya Hua Nhi Tha
Teacher: Nahaye Kiun Nhi Thy

Student: Pani Nhi Tha Sir
Teacher: Pani Kiun Nhi Tha?

Student: Sir Motor Nhi Chal Rahi Thi.
Teacher: Ullu K Pathy Motor Kiun Nai Chal Rahi Thi ?

Student: Sir Bataya To Hy Light Nhi Thi

Bimar Engineer Student Se Mummy Boli:

Jaa Kar Jaanwar Ke Doctor Ko Dikha,
To Hi Thik Hoga..
Beta: Aisa Kyu.. ??
Mummy: Roz Subah Murge Ki Tarah Uth Jaata Hai,
Ghode Ki Tarah Bhaag Ke Collage Me Jaata Hai,
Tote Ki Tarah External Ke Aage Bolta Hai,
Gadhe Ki Tarah Assignments Likhta Hai,

Phir Bhi Bail Ki Tarah Prof Ki Gaaliyan Sunta Hai,
Ghar Aa Kar Sab Pe Kutte Ki Tarah Bhaunkta Hai,
Or Rat Ko Ullu Ki Trah Jag Kar Facebook
Par Chat Karta Hai, Isliye..!!

डाक्टर : आपके 3 दांत कैसे टूट गए ?

संता : जी वो मेरी पत्नी ने कड़क रोटी बनाई थी !

डाक्टर : तो खाने से मना कर देते !

संता : जी वही तो किया था!

एक दुकान के बाहर लिखा था: 'इन्सानों की तरह बात करने वाला कुत्ता बिकाऊ है.'

एक आदमी दुकानदार से जाकर बोला: 'मैं उस कुत्ते को देखना चाहता हूं...' दुकानदार ने कहा: 'साथ के कमरे में बैठा है, जा कर मिल लो।'

ग्राहक उस कमरे में गया। कुर्सी पर एक हट्टा-कट्टा कुत्ता बैठा था. पूछा: 'क्यों भई, तुम यहां क्या कर रहे हो?'

कुत्ते ने बताया: 'कर तो मैं बहुत कुछ सकता हूं, लेकिन आजकल इस दुकान की रखवाली करता हूं. इससे पहले अमेरिका के जासूसी महकमे में काम करता था और कई खूंखार आतंकवादियों को पकड़वाया... फिर मैं इंग्लैंड चला गया जहां पुलिस के लिए मुखबरी करता था. एक साल बाद यहां आ गया.'

उस आदमी ने दुकानदार से पूछा: 'इतने गुणवान कुत्ते को आप बेचना क्यों चाहते हैं?'

'अव्वल नम्बर का झूठा है...' जवाब मिला.

I don't need any car
I don't need a bungalow
I don't need servants
I don't need branded clothes "N"
I don't need hi class food either
i don't need jewelry

but I just need a " SINCERE " life partner

*
*
*

Who can provide me all this...

We go to school, to attend "CLASS" .
C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Sleep Silently.

At home, we have to "STUDY".
S.T.U.D.Y. = Sleep, TV, Unlimited-sms, Dost, Youtube.

In class, we're given "HOMEWORK."
H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K = Half Of My Energy Wasted On Random Knowledge.

While doing homework, we refer to "TEXTBOOK".
TEXTBOOK = TEXTing + faceBOOK

A guy got stuck on a Rs. 1 crore question.
He uses phone-a-friend, and chooses
his girlfriend to ask the answer.

Amitabh: Hey, you've got 30 seconds
to answer and your time starts now!

Boy reads out the question and the 4 options.

Girl: Mil gaya time tumhe phone karne ka?
Mujhe tumse koi baat nahi karni! Byeee!!

Air India ki flight ka Pilot announcement ke baad MIKE OFF karna bhul gaya.

Pilot apne Co-Pilot se bola: "Main pehle coffee piyunga, phir uss Airhostess ko kiss karunga..."

Yeh sun ke Airhostess MIKE OFF karne bhaagi, aur ek buddhe passenger ke paon se takra kar gir padi.

Buddha passenger yeh nazara dekh bola: "Beti, araam se ja... Suna nahi, pehle sahab coffee piyenge!

KAASHHH 

Dil Me Agar "CPU" Hota To ? - Sabhi Yaadon Ko Save Kar Sakte,

Dimaag Me Agar "PRINTER" Hota To ?- Khayaalo Ka "PRINT OUT" Nikal Dete,

Dharkan Me Agar "PEN DRIVE" Hoti To?- Zindagi Ka Backup Le Lete ,

Mann Me Jo "BLUETOOTH" Hota To ?- Baaton Ko Transfer Kar Lete,

Ankhon Me Jo "WEBCAM" Hota To ?- Tasviron Ko Receive Kar Sakte,

Kaash Zindagi Bhi Ek "COMPUTER" Hoti ?- ToH Restart Kar Lete.

Teacher: ‘3 idiots’ film dehknay ke baad aap ko kya lesson mila?

Pappu: miss yehi ki..Enginering padh kar bhi medical ki ladki fasai ja sakti hai :D
.
.

Miss: shut up & get out.

Babloo: miss mein bataon..?
Miss: very good, batao..


Babloo: miss college ke 1st day Underwear zaroor pehna chahiye :D
.
.
.
Miss: u also get out.

Shamu: miss mein bataon..?
Miss: I think u are a brilliant student.. tum sahi batao gay..
.
.
.
Shamu: Miss doctor ke elawa Engineer bhi delivery kar sakta hai!
Miss: u also get out.

GUDU: Miss mein bataon. Miss: HAAN BATAO...
.
.
.
GUDU: FRENCH KISS MEIN NAAK BEECH MEIN NAHI AATI.

Hat-ke New Year Wishes 

May your happiness increase like petrol prices.

May your sorrows fall like the Indian Rupee.

May joy fill your heart like corruption in India. ;)

Have the Fabulous Last Day!

Enjoy what is left of 2011
and Celeberate Life!

DIALOGUE BAAZI in CHEMISTRY: 

* The name is BOND... Covalent Bond! B-)

* Rishtey mein to hum tumhare Allotrope
lagte hain, naam hai... Diamond! (*)

* D-block se darr nahi lagta saheb, F-block se lagta hai!

* Ek baar jo maine bond toda to main
Activation Energy ki bhi nahi sunta! :-x

* Resonance ko neglect karna mushkil hi nahi, namumkin hai! *nerd*

* Yeh Electron mujhe de de, Carbon!

* Ek chutki Hydrogen ki keemat tum kya jano, Oxygen babu!

And...

And...

And...

Thermodynamics abhi baaki hai, mere dost!

3 Best Ads... 

RTO: "Donate blood, but not on Road!"

Forest Deptt: "Shoot birds with camera, not with gun!"

Latest: "Fly with KINGFISHER! Not in PLANE, but with BEER!!"

पेरालएज़ हो ना हो
Paralyzed ho na ho
Hum blood de chukka sanam
Mari yaar ke endscopy hai
Kaho na Diabeteshai
Hash ap hamara patient hoti
Pregnant banaya apna
Kabhi ICU Kabhi CCU
Hamara stethoscope apke pas hai
Operation to hona hi tha
Phir haddi fracture
Om surgery Om
Hypertension for you.

Grandma Buys a Bumper Sticker...
Grandma writes:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all,
Grandma

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...A few statements to ponder... George Carlin Quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2058.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2057.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped!

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

A blond went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blonds," he replied.
She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry we don't sell to blonds," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new
color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days
before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV,"
she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blonds," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blond?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage.

After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.

She slowly spread her legs,and in a husky come f**k me voice says "Honey, would you like some of this?"

The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what it's done to your underwear."

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.

Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f***ing you.